Monday, January 19, 2009

Fear: Let It In, Then Let It Go

It's like this: I'm terrified of love.

And yet, it's the one thing I want most. Makes sense, though. We're often the most afraid of that which we truly want. Why? Because sometimes just the idea of knowing you might actually get what you want is terrifying.

For 32 years, I never wanted love. I wanted nothing to do with commitment or being open or vulnerable. I didn't know until recently that it was all about fear.

It used to be about running away, but now it's all about staying put. I suppose I can thank the last man for that. He's the first man in 14 years who even came close to breaking down my walls. He was like some sort of spiritual glue. I was stuck. On him. On the feeling of joy. On freedom. On the idea of loving. On security. On trust.

He went away, not because he wanted to leave me, but because he didn't want to stay. He knew that we would probably fall in love and then one day wake up and realize we were still on completely different pages. We didn't want the same future.

I've felt an emptiness I couldn't quite place for the last few months. The pain was paralyzing. But now that the veil has lifted, I realize now what remains. It's the space in my heart that's now open and ready to be filled with love. The space that was once covered in cobwebs, is now filled with light.

And am I scared? You bet. But I'm working with the feeling of embracing that fear and then letting it go. And letting someone into that open space that's been waiting all along to be filled.

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